"where the rubber meets the road..."

So this post is most definitely inspired by Brooke, one of our ranch moms who consistently catches me during a break to ask me how I'm doing, what I'm thinking and what's going on in my heart. Just again today she caught me as I was heading back to the lodge to set up for lunch and dove right in, asking me how I'm doing. Just a couple days ago, I had a day off where I truly took the day off- I didn't invest in any guests, any staff or anything Lost Valley and I got off property, went to Denver, and reconnected with the outside world for a little bit. Besides a 2 hour drive, I got errands done, treated myself to Starbucks, and purposefully caught up with some friends that have known me through a lot of other walks of life. Basically, this place was starting to feel like a fishbowl and I was anxious to get away for a little and have some time to think. I do my best processing verbally (to any of you who know me well, this is no surprise) so a long phone call and a visit with a friend I've known for just shy of 2 decades was the perfect time to process everything that's been going on in my heart and mind. Work has been hard lately. From a couple of over-capacity weekends to just last week filled to the brim with 80 high-energy high school seniors, mix all that in with a crew that's still striving to hit the mark of high-efficiency and the mid-season blues, I was hitting a wall. It's crazy how when there's so many little (and maybe a couple big) things going on, they can all add up and make you crazy. Little things could get me down for a whole day. Fear and frustration of the unknown weigh on my subconscious. News about my grandma's declining health hits like a load of bricks when I'm already carrying a ton. Basically, there's been a lot that continues to pile up and makes me want to check out of life and just hide for a while. This is where the title phrase comes in, for two reasons. First, it's a phrase I definitely associate with Brooke when she's challenging me to push through the hard stuff and live out the truth I know. But it also struck me today because I did so much processing while I was driving on Wednesday. It was so therapeutic to leave the ranch without other ranch friends for just one day to get a little perspective. And lo and behold, the Lord is faithful and not only did He provide for each of the necessary details to work out, before I had even finished the first 9 miles on the dirt road, He was already refreshing me and reminding me that I love being here. I buy into this place, as you all have heard me talk about already this spring. I know I'm supposed to be here and I know I am fulfilling my purpose right now. But that definitely doesn't mean it's going to be easy. And usually, it's not. The real reason I went to town to begin with was to speak at a TU alumni event in Denver. I ended up seeing a TU/ lifelong friend before and catching up on the phone with another TU friend after. The whole day reminded me that TU was an incredible experience that changed my life drastically. I saw intentional community lived out for the first time in my life. I have wonderful friends, faculty, and staff people that I still keep in touch with 2 years after graduation. For a lot of people, college, particularly Taylor, is the best time of their life. That's not true for me. It was a really incredible time that I highly value. But I am so blessed that I still live in an incredible time of life. I get to be here, at Lost Valley. Another intentional community lived out. BUT... It's not easy. It's not easy to explain my job to a bunch of TU alumni at the alumni gathering. It's not easy to lay out my plan for the next couple years to my friends and family who are wondering. It's not easy to live in community with your 30 coworkers. It's not easy to start work at 6:45 am everyday and not be finished until 8:30 pm every night. I'm not here for easy. I didn't sign on to serve myself. I don't get to know all the answers and I don't get my wishes. What do I get? I get to learn how to struggle well. I get to learn to be transparent. I get to know what Jesus means when he says, "take up your cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." I don't have all the answers. I don't always have a smile on my face. I don't know how long He has called me to this place or in what capacity I will serve here. But I know He is good. And I know I am to be faithful. I will pray that He gives fun and laughter to each day but whether or not that happens, I will be faithful. Music is such a powerful tool so I'm going to leave you with a few lyrics that have been running through my mind and a photo from here in the valley that is definitely a visual depiction for me of these words. "It's like I know where I need to be, but I can't figure out, just how much I will need to breathe when your tide washes over me. There's only one way to figure out, will you let me drown? Hey now, this is my desire, consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful to touch me." And a classic: "When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever my lot Thou hast taught me to say, 'It is well. It is well with my soul.'"