Welcome to a little slice of heaven on earth: Golden, CO

Welcome to Golden! After a couple years away from the blog, I decided that introducing you to the town I'm living in this summer was the perfect re-introduction to my blog. I'm not usually one for telling the whole world my life, but I want to process each day this summer and this felt like the best way to do so. Also, without TV or roommates, I (for now) have a lot of time on my hands. This summer I'm serving as the Conferences intern at Colorado School of Mines in Golden, CO. I arrived a week ago yesterday to a snow storm that was classic springtime in the Rockies. I usually love snow...in the winter. The spring snows were never my favorite and this one wasn't either. I had been dreaming about those perfect blue skies and sunshine for months so arriving in a white-out was not quite what I had planned. The snow combined with almost instantly getting locked out of the building had me quickly rethinking the decision to move across the country for the summer. After getting my key card worked out with some help from Mines' public safety, I finally got all my stuff moved in. Exhausted from driving, soaked and freezing from unloading my car in the snow, I drove my car up the hill to the lot where I was supposed to park and almost ran into these guys.

Four little mule deer ran right in front of my car. The clouds had just begun to clear and from the parking lot, I could see the mountains all around me and the town of Golden below. The stillness of the mountains right after a snow was so deafeningly quiet, it was the perfect reminder that despite the challenges and struggles, the Lord's perfect plan for me this summer is to be here in Colorado. Yes, I absolutely love Colorado and hoped I would get to be here this summer, but when I was applying for positions for the summer, I realized I needed to lay down my agenda and let the Lord show me what I needed. A verse the Lord has given me over and over for the last year and a half is Ephesians 3:20-21. It reminds me that He is able to do immeasurably more than all I could ask or imagine. And He does is for His glory, not my own. The story of my life these last 2 years (well, my whole life really) has been exactly that. For the sake of brevity, I won't tell all the stories and circumstances that prove this point, but me ending up here at Mines this summer is definitely one of those stories. I had let go of hope that I would be in Colorado this summer. I wanted to go where the Lord wanted me, and I honestly didn't know if He had Colorado in store. I was almost offered a position at Florida Atlantic University in Jupiter, FL and I was prepared to accept it. I figured I wasn't ready to come back here or that I had built it up too much in my heart, and the Lord was going to show me that He had other plans in store. I honestly had no idea what a perfect fit this position and this school would be for me. It's a smaller school that's growing and like what often happens, doesn't have the staff to match their growth yet. I have learned that while this means plenty of work, it also means the best learning environments and the best professional opportunities for a grad student. It's the environment I've loved at Belmont because I have gotten to learn and grow so much. Of course, 90% of that is only possible when you have a supervisor who cares about your growth and professional development and I'm so grateful that I've had that over the last year at Belmont and I can already tell I have that again this summer. I'll talk more about Mines as the summer goes on, but on that note, I just want to say that I'm PUMPED about this summer and my staff. We did a few hours of team-building activities this morning and I'm already so excited by how they came together and stepped into responsibility, all the while supporting and encouraging and communicating with one another. It's going to be a great summer. 

But, what I really wanted to begin to show you in this post is the town of Golden. I'm just starting to explore but I already love it. Like, I'm obsessed. I've been here a week and I can't get enough. I already know August is going to come too soon. It's a town of about 18,000 (so I'm told), and South Table Mountain separates the town of Golden from the western side of Denver. Why I never ventured up here while I lived in Colorado, I don't know. It's like my dream come true. It feels like a small, mountain town, which I love, but is just big enough to have things to do and great restaurants and fun little breweries [it is the home of Coors after all].

Golden is only 10 minutes from Red Rocks and 10 minutes from the west side of Denver. Really, it's perfect. And I'm in love. I've also determined to get back to running this summer, since I actually have time and the weather is perfect. I figure come mid-June when the craziness starts, I'll need the mental break and since it always comes down to sitting in my apartment reading and getting outside for a run after work, I've decided to take advantage of all the daylight [the sun doesn't set until 8:45ish right now, glory be] and get some miles in. It's also proven to be a quick way to get my bearings and explore the town. After runs the last two days, I decided to just take a walk tonight, so I could capture a few of the views that have already taken my breath away. Enjoy, and welcome to Golden! 

Just downhill from campus is this little historic area, hence the log cabin and the barn. South Table Mountain in the background. 

North Table Mountain, across Clear Creek.

The riverwalk beside Clear Creek. Officially my new favorite place to run, ever.

North Table again.

South Table, in all it's splendor. Apparently, there's a great view of Denver on one side and Golden on the other. It's on my list to hike in the next few weeks. 

I have a weird affinity for Post Offices. They're just so historic.

Downtown Golden, with the M in the background.

Mini white-water play area on Clear Creek. I LOVE watching kayakers do their rolls and their tricks. 

I love this place so much already.

a year later...

I just realized it's been a year to the day since I last posted because my blog was disabled for 8 months or so and since it's been reinstated, I haven't known what to write, feeling like I needed something big to write about after so long. Well, something big has happened, and I didn't know it was coming, nor did I really want it to. What happened was someone died, and I was thrown back into a whirlwind of emotions and grief and GROWTH that started six years ago this month. I don't want to downplay the death of this individual but I didn't actually know him. From what I can tell, he was an incredibly godly man who was really involved on campus. If we had overlapped at all during my time at TU, I'm sure I would've known him. So why am I grieving? Why did the news of a Taylor student's death throw me into a tailspin? Because of the reminder of what the Lord has done in me over the last six years, starting with the death of 5 members of the Taylor community during my freshman year. These two blog posts sum up exactly how I felt during those days and weeks after the accident. And some of what I've felt lately. But here's what I really want to reflect on. The current lessons the Lord has been teaching me about new life. I cannot even express how powerfully the Lord has spoken to me in the past couple weeks. To try to sum up well: When I heard the news of Josh, the Taylor student passing away, I grieved. I grieved not because I knew him, but because I've been there. I've spent the hours in those sacred halls crying, listening to the wails of those who knew the departed better than I, the scrutiny from the local media, and the bitter pain of being left behind. It sucks. The nicest way to put it is that it sucks. It makes you angry, it makes you question, it makes you cry. It hits you all at once because some little thing triggered a memory or a thought that reminds you that you've been left behind and they're gone before "their time" and it almost knocks the wind out of you and brings you to your knees. The only comfort I have in those initial moments is this: we were not created to understand death. This was never the Lord's plan. And praise God for that. How can a good God let bad things happen to good people? How can a good God let a car accident, a suicide, an accidental death take a friend or family member without us getting the chance to prepare for their departure and say goodbye? Because this was never His plan. Yes, He allows these things to happen, and yes, He is still Sovereign in the midst of our pain. But His plan was not to rob us of loved ones.

And here's where some of the biggest lessons come in as of late. Or maybe not lessons, maybe more powerful reminders of lessons I learned long ago. I believe it's no small coincidence that Josh passed away during Holy week. The first lesson: Good Friday. I've only been to one Good Friday service that I can remember well, but man, it left a powerful visual reminder of what Good Friday is all about. Good Friday is about grief. It's about the Father losing His Son on the cross. Yes, there are huge lessons about submission to God's will and Jesus' sacrifice that we can learn from Good Friday too, but I'm talking about simply the lessons about losing someone you love. When we go through grief, we often question how God could let such a horrible thing happen, but what we forget is that the Lord has gone through that exact same horrible thing. Hebrews 4 says, "14 Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. 15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. 16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." While I know this is talking more about temptation to sin than it is about grief, we still have a High Priest who has grieved the death of His Son, and in a unique way, Jesus is more than just a son like we think of a father and son. Jesus was part of God the Father, they thought alike, they were ONE. How much more painful to lose someone that was literally part of you? The Good Friday service I attended about 4 years ago felt like a funeral. It felt more like a funeral than a lot of actual funerals I've been to. We grieve Jesus' death on Good Friday. We feel the weight of our sin and that Jesus had to DIE for us. He hung on that cross, in excruciating agony, and saw MY face. Then He gave up His last breath and submitted to the Father unto death. In those first days or weeks after someone dies, there is a darkness like nothing I've ever experienced before or since. It is so raw that a song, a word, a memory, or a smell can set off a waterfall of tears. It is so thick and painful, it feels like it can consume you and you'll never know what it's like to be happy again. You don't really think you'll remember what happy feels like ever again, because the finality of this huge thing has settled into your soul. That's kind of how I feel on Good Friday every year, but most especially this year. I feel like I should wear black, because any color or light would feel fake. I remember in the days after the accident feeling like it shouldn't be sunny because the sun is usually indicative of happiness, at least for me, and there is no happiness in fresh grief. Then Saturday comes- the day between the fresh real grief on the day of death and the time before there is any kind of hope or happiness at all. Saturday is the day where the numbness sets in. You have to go on with life but you don't really know how, so you're just going through the motions. You're not actively crying all the time, but tears are just a trigger away. You experience life on a muted level, where things are still happening but you're so absorbed in grief still that everything seems a little quieter, the colors are a little more dull (but there is color), and only the really loud or bright things actually stick out at you. The words from the song, Always by Kristian Stanfill come to mind. "Oh my God, you will not delay, my refuge and strength always. I will not fear, His promise is true, my God will come through, always. Always." It's the day where you're looking for the hope, you can trust in God's promise that He WILL be there eventually, He WILL come through, you will know joy again. But it's an anxious waiting. It's a hard place to be. Things are still tough- most of the world seems to have gone on with life again but you're still hurting, still questioning. It's the time where God seems to be silent, where you knew He carried you in the fresh part of grief, but His voice is a little harder to hear in the dull part of grief. This is where I was for the majority of the first part of this season and over the break. I was seeking the Lord deeply, calling out to Him to make His face known, to make His voice heard. And all I seemed to get was silence. Things were hard and everyone else seemed to be going on with life again just fine, but I was still hurting and life seemed muted and quieter than usual. Finally, Sunday came. Resurrection came. Joy came with the morning. The grief and pain and hurt and confusion and anger all started to make sense. The clouds parted and the sun came out again. The flowers bloomed, the air warmed, the sweet smell of springtime, of God's breath was breathed back into life all around me and life inside of me. All of a sudden, HOPE was real because CHRIST HAS RISEN. He has conquered death. He has conquered grief. He has conquered SIN. "Then bursting forth, in glorious day, up from the grave He rose again." God the Father rejoices with us because He has been reunited with His Son. We rejoice because we have been saved. And because we have been saved, we have HOPE. We will see our loved ones again. There will come a day where there will be no more crying or death or pain or sadness. "And as He stands in VICTORY, sin's curse has lost its grip on me." The pain makes sense of a sudden. We can see the purpose. We can see His love and how the Lord uses bad things to ultimately bring glory and more people to Himself. I have turned the corner. The day of Saturday's numbness has come to an end and Sunday's rejoicing has dawned. "Nothing compares to Your embrace, Light of the world, Forever Reign." Praise God for His hope. Where O death is thy victory? Where O death is thy sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

some much needed R & R...

so, I spend a lot of time on this blog talking about what the Lord is teaching me. and the last couple years, He's been teaching me a lot through the refining fire. I no longer shy away from the fire; I just grip my Father's hand ever tighter as I walk through something that could definitely be painful. It reminds me a lot of that passage in CS Lewis' Voyage of the Dawn Treader where Eustace is the dragon and Aslan starts tearing through Eustace's scales with his claws-kind of a painful process- then Eustace sheds his layers. He then throws Eustace into the cool water and Eustace feels the water to a whole new degree for the first time. It almost stings because it's so refreshing. That is how I usually feel when the Lord digs his claws into me- it tends to be kind of a painful process. But the last two days have been me getting thrown into the water and feeling its refreshment in a new and deeper way. I'm not going to write a whole lot about the last two days, just post some pictures. The Lord is refreshing me during this little slow period. I may not be making much money- the ranch may not be getting the guests it needs, but I might well make lemonade out of the lemons and enjoy my time off.

our morning ride group: Anna, me, Paudh, Tim (guest), Will, and Maddie (guest)

from the top of High Ridge- this is where I get to live...
Will and Anna drinking in God's incredible creation...if you look closely, you can see Pikes Peak in the background

view of the valley on the way down from Helen's Rock

my afternoon ride: a shed antler hunt! my horse, Newcastle, Will, Paul, and Jacob

me and my boy, Newcastle. He may not be a looker, but he's got personality and speed.

Lost Valley...they call it that for a reason.

our spoils
proud to claim the prize for this hunt- I found three!! (and yes, I was the only girl)

afternoon ride followed by java chip milkshakes :)

Paul's i'm-so-happy-because-i've-got-ice-cream face

The best part about all this is that these are only pictures from one of my days off this week. I was also off today and I went to Denver, got starbucks, had chick-fil-a for breakfast (now I see why everyone raves about their breakfast), got a haircut and a pedicure, went to PF Changs for lunch, got to shop for a friend's birthday package, then went to the Bucksnort with two other girls I work with where a live band played one of my favorite songs. All in all, it's been a couple of really great days off and I am so thankful for the rest and refreshment the Lord has provided.

"where the rubber meets the road..."

So this post is most definitely inspired by Brooke, one of our ranch moms who consistently catches me during a break to ask me how I'm doing, what I'm thinking and what's going on in my heart. Just again today she caught me as I was heading back to the lodge to set up for lunch and dove right in, asking me how I'm doing. Just a couple days ago, I had a day off where I truly took the day off- I didn't invest in any guests, any staff or anything Lost Valley and I got off property, went to Denver, and reconnected with the outside world for a little bit. Besides a 2 hour drive, I got errands done, treated myself to Starbucks, and purposefully caught up with some friends that have known me through a lot of other walks of life. Basically, this place was starting to feel like a fishbowl and I was anxious to get away for a little and have some time to think. I do my best processing verbally (to any of you who know me well, this is no surprise) so a long phone call and a visit with a friend I've known for just shy of 2 decades was the perfect time to process everything that's been going on in my heart and mind. Work has been hard lately. From a couple of over-capacity weekends to just last week filled to the brim with 80 high-energy high school seniors, mix all that in with a crew that's still striving to hit the mark of high-efficiency and the mid-season blues, I was hitting a wall. It's crazy how when there's so many little (and maybe a couple big) things going on, they can all add up and make you crazy. Little things could get me down for a whole day. Fear and frustration of the unknown weigh on my subconscious. News about my grandma's declining health hits like a load of bricks when I'm already carrying a ton. Basically, there's been a lot that continues to pile up and makes me want to check out of life and just hide for a while. This is where the title phrase comes in, for two reasons. First, it's a phrase I definitely associate with Brooke when she's challenging me to push through the hard stuff and live out the truth I know. But it also struck me today because I did so much processing while I was driving on Wednesday. It was so therapeutic to leave the ranch without other ranch friends for just one day to get a little perspective. And lo and behold, the Lord is faithful and not only did He provide for each of the necessary details to work out, before I had even finished the first 9 miles on the dirt road, He was already refreshing me and reminding me that I love being here. I buy into this place, as you all have heard me talk about already this spring. I know I'm supposed to be here and I know I am fulfilling my purpose right now. But that definitely doesn't mean it's going to be easy. And usually, it's not. The real reason I went to town to begin with was to speak at a TU alumni event in Denver. I ended up seeing a TU/ lifelong friend before and catching up on the phone with another TU friend after. The whole day reminded me that TU was an incredible experience that changed my life drastically. I saw intentional community lived out for the first time in my life. I have wonderful friends, faculty, and staff people that I still keep in touch with 2 years after graduation. For a lot of people, college, particularly Taylor, is the best time of their life. That's not true for me. It was a really incredible time that I highly value. But I am so blessed that I still live in an incredible time of life. I get to be here, at Lost Valley. Another intentional community lived out. BUT... It's not easy. It's not easy to explain my job to a bunch of TU alumni at the alumni gathering. It's not easy to lay out my plan for the next couple years to my friends and family who are wondering. It's not easy to live in community with your 30 coworkers. It's not easy to start work at 6:45 am everyday and not be finished until 8:30 pm every night. I'm not here for easy. I didn't sign on to serve myself. I don't get to know all the answers and I don't get my wishes. What do I get? I get to learn how to struggle well. I get to learn to be transparent. I get to know what Jesus means when he says, "take up your cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." I don't have all the answers. I don't always have a smile on my face. I don't know how long He has called me to this place or in what capacity I will serve here. But I know He is good. And I know I am to be faithful. I will pray that He gives fun and laughter to each day but whether or not that happens, I will be faithful. Music is such a powerful tool so I'm going to leave you with a few lyrics that have been running through my mind and a photo from here in the valley that is definitely a visual depiction for me of these words. "It's like I know where I need to be, but I can't figure out, just how much I will need to breathe when your tide washes over me. There's only one way to figure out, will you let me drown? Hey now, this is my desire, consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful to touch me." And a classic: "When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever my lot Thou hast taught me to say, 'It is well. It is well with my soul.'"

About time for a new blog post...

Hmm, where to even start? So a few weeks ago I mentioned some news- I couldn't really talk about it then but now everything is out in the open so I can share it. I was asked to consider a job change- still here at the Ranch but moving into the office as the "office manager". At first, I wasn't thrilled about it- in fact, I completely dreaded it. I was so wrapped up in my wishes that I couldn't see how the Lord could use me or change my heart. While it's still a daily choice to die to myself, the Lord has taught me so much. One big catalyst is a sermon from Matt Heard, the pastor at Woodman Valley Chapel in Colorado Springs. Woodman is kind of the ranch's "home church" but I had connections to Woodman long before I knew about the ranch. Matt's doing a series on The Lord's Prayer and a few weeks ago, his sermon was on the phrase, "Your will be done." You can find the sermon here. I definitely recommend listening to the series called Conversations that Matter. Anyway, one of my biggest take-aways has been to try shifting my focus to the Lord's will, instead of my own. It is no coincidence the Lord wanted me to hear that sermon at that particular time. Submission- I need to learn it, we all do. And I need to live it. I need to submit to His will every hour of every day, and it is a daily battle. Man, it is HARD. I have the tendency to want to do things and work towards characteristics with the mindset that if I get it right for one day, it'll stay that way. That certainly isn't true and it definitely isn't true in regards to dying to myself, submitting to the Lord's will each day and asking Him to take control of my life. And then to tie in all those lessons on trust I've been learning. It's so hard but it's so good. Joshua 24:15- "choose for yourselves this day who you will serve." Nothing has been decided, I've done a couple of "test days" in the office but otherwise, things are pretty much the same, but ya know what? I'm okay with not really knowing right now what all this is going to look like. I believe that the Lord has good in store for me and all I need to know right now is that I need to take life a day at a time, not worry about tomorrow for today has enough worries of its own, and simply do His work. One last verse to leave you with, Malachi 3:10- "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this, says the Lord Almighty, and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it." There's so much other scripture that has been reminding me so much of God's truth lately, but most of it is mentioned in that sermon. So listen to it. Also, a few prayer requests that I'll hopefully expound more on soon- my friend Julie- her back and job possibilities, my friend Lauren- her family, her grandma in particular, her being so far away, and the Ranch staff- we leave tomorrow for our staff retreat for the week, pray for safety, fun, unity and fellowship, and that we would see the Lord clearly. Thanks all.

prance with vigor.

If any St. Louis natives are reading this, hopefully you already know where that title comes from. If not, it's the motto of Kaldi's coffee- my very favorite coffee shop that originated in St. Louis. It was the first title that came to mind when I thought about this post, which will be short in the interest of time but totally just hit me.

So I have a bunch of friends who are totally on the adventure of a lifetime. Working on a glacier in New Zealand. Riding a motorcycle from Ecuador to Peru. Teaching in Israel. Crazy awesome things like that. It gives me wanderlust. I think about what they're doing and it totally makes me want to pack my bags and jump on a plane back to Africa or to South America or somewhere and have a great big adventure, meeting the local people, experiencing their culture and sharing Jesus. I think about my friends doing these awesome things and how inadequate I feel. They are living life on the edge, breaking out of their comfort zones, and experiencing God's heart for the nations. Then it hit me. I live in paradise. I work at one of the most unbelievable places I have ever been. I get to minister undercover to some crazy interesting people who have literally searched the whole world to find something that is always with them, Christ. I live in the middle of a national forest. I walk to work everyday. I get to ride horses with my coworkers on a regular basis. I have the greatest extended family anyone could ever know and I get the privilege of living in community- intense, fishbowl, pressure-cooker community- with them every single day. I get to know this extended family through their best and worst times, and they get to know me in mine. I get to worship, work, and weekend alongside these people. Right now we're in the midst of orientation for all the new staff but we've all been doing it together and the topic that keeps coming up and striking me is the concept of "buying in". To be here and do life here well, you've got to buy in. You HAVE to believe in this place, in the mission, in the community, and in what we do and why it's worth giving up most of your creature comforts and conveniences. And ya know what? I do. I buy in. It's why I came back. It's why I committed for at least a full year here, if not more. It's why I can be given some crazy news and overwhelming options and still believe that no matter what I really do in the place, I'm serving the Lord and hopefully planting, watering or cultivating the seeds of Christ in the guests that come through here. Like I think I've mentioned before, trust has been a big topic the Lord is teaching me lately. Trusting in Him, in His character, in His will, and in His plan to reveal it to me. I came across this verse the other day, "But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him, on those whose hope is in His unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine. We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May Your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in You." -Ps. 33:18-22. I don't think it's a coincidence that the Lord has been teaching me to trust Him in huge ways. I can't really say too much about it but some circumstances changed for me today and I have some decisions to make- I don't ever take decisions lightly but I can't and won't take this one lightly. I am learning to practically live out the trust in the Lord. I could use your prayers for wisdom and how to ask informed questions to make educated decisions.

In the mean time, I'm going to "prance with vigor." I am living the dream, literally, and while I may not be hiking glaciers or motorcycling or walking on the roads where Jesus walked, I get to live out Is. 52:7, " How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, 'Your God reigns!'"

humbled by His goodness.

ok, I don't even know how to start this post because there is SO, SO, SO much I want to say. First off, I want to adore my Creator and Father and King. He is unbelievably good and good to me and I am so undeserving. Ok, big things the Lord has been doing in me lately: 1) Calming so many of my fears. I'm a worrier. Always have been, probably always will be to some degree though I do believe I've gotten much better. I'm also insecure- let's face it, everyone is. So with so many of the people I've been really close to at the ranch leaving at the end of last fall, I was terrified about returning and feeling like I had no friends. And while of course it will take time to feel like I have a handful of really close friends here again, the spring staff is INCREDIBLE. I mean, oh. my. goodness. God couldn't have hand-picked a better staff for this spring than He has. It is blowing my mind how excited I am to be here at the ranch for this very season. I'm in awe of the people He brought here for spring and a lot of them for summer too, which only gets me MORE excited about the potential for awesomeness and Kingdom work this summer and leadership for our busiest season. Spring cleaning these past couple days has been a PLEASURE because of the people I get to work alongside each day. Look at how many words I've just capitalized to see how excited I am. I haven't been sleeping at night despite being bone-tired because I start to think about how blessed and thankful I am and my mind starts going a million miles a minute and I stay awake into the wee hours of the morning. It's a little ridiculous :) Staff meals have been a party, group events are just buzzing. I will always miss "the originals" that I knew here and first welcomed me and made me love this place but I can see how it was time for them to move on and I believe just about each one of them is right in the middle of God's will. And at times it definitely feels like people are missing- not that they've been replaced, just more people have come and those originals are supposed to be back. But the new staff members for spring have breathed so much LIFE into this place in just the few days I've been back. It's refreshed me and I know it's refreshed and excited other returning staff members. It's a beautiful thing. 2) The Lord has made me CONTENT. Yes, I just capitalized, bolded, and italicized that word. I have struggled with contentment in almost every season of my life. It's been one of my biggest burdens for years and I've hated that I've felt so much discontent. So what changed? I've been learning to TRUST the Lord in a radical way, and in a way so much deeper than I've ever experienced before. I have absolutely no doubts that this is exactly where I'm supposed to be right now. For as many doubts as I had about being here in the spring for all of fall and the break, returning was like slamming through a brick wall- the wall of doubt and right into the land of contentment. And the contentment I have allows me to trust the Lord even more. 3) Lately I feel like the Lord has been showing me a lot of how I've been growing, particularly since college. I think part of that is having so much time to reflect but it's been a huge year and half for me and my faithful Father has shown Himself to me SO much and is now causing me to realize some of the depth of the lessons I've learned. One? Vulnerability in community. I was straight-up challenged to be vulnerable in my community at Frontier and most of the time I ran from it because I didn't feel accepted 90% of the time. The times I was vulnerable because I wanted to be was rare- I often felt like I did it because of the accountability and challenge of my mentor and the camp director. So much of that was my own insecurity. However, despite not being very good at it, my time at Frontier was completely invaluable for me to really learn vulnerability and the freedom that can come with it. This fall at the ranch really stretched me to be vulnerable- there were times I felt the Lord pressing down on my like a weight to share something, even though I was terrified. He used the vulnerability and incredible life-stories and realness about struggles from others to break down my barriers and walls. In the few days I've been back here for spring, I've already shared with one of the new girls on my crew some of my deep passions and joys and even insecurities. I have incredible freedom in the Lord, every believer does. And He is allowing me to experience it and life to the fullest. I know forgiveness and redemption for past mistakes and struggles. I am able to be compassionate about struggles I haven't experienced. I want to seek people out and build relationships and do the messy, hard WORK to know others and be intimately known. I fall asleep with a smile and I wake up with a smile because of how much the Lord is at work in me and how passionately I want to pour that out onto others. 4) The Lord has been revealing Himself in so many ways- being back in unbelievable creation with snow and mountains and breaktaking stars that I can see while I lay in my bed at night (I know, I'm SO spoiled to live here), beautiful people and faces and smiles and hearts for the Lord, the rich history of this place and the way it's been ministering to people for half a century, but He has been the most clear in His WORD and dwelling on my relationship with Him. I have a yearlong Bible- it's broken down for OT, NT, psalms and proverbs to read each day and this is the 2nd year I've been going through it. I'm for sure not very consistent and while I have read the Bible in its entirety, reading it in a year brings it together so much clearer because it's a shorter period of time and it forces me to read more. Lately, every daily passage has pounded truth into me and I've been able to dwell on it throughout the day. Also, I started reading Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning. Absolutely fabulous. It's rocking my world, seriously. A huge concept from the chapter I'm currently on: Faith + hope= trust. Dwell on that. "Faith arises from the personal experience of Jesus as Lord. Hope is the reliance on the promise of Jesus, accompanied by the expectation of fulfillment. Trust is the winsome wedding of faith and hope." And there's so much more about how our trust in the Lord lets us know more of His character and ourselves and how we have both a loving, intimate, relational Father in God but He is also the King of all creation and as Pastor Matt Heard from Woodman Valley Chapel has said, "it's a posture of a bow and a hug at the same time." "Disregard of God's immanence deprives us of any sense of intimate belonging, while inattention to His transcendence robs God of His holiness." -Manning. Basically, I'm getting a spiritual workout right now and it feels so good. Alright, there is SOOOO much more I could and want to share right now, but I haven't been getting much sleep and it's already after midnight with a couple of busy days ahead of me. Your Kingdom come, Lord. Thank you for loving me and not leaving me the way I was.